What the deuce?
by XspriteyX
Summary: Right this is basically a crack/spoof a "What if Voldermort was like Stewie Griffin?" It was just an idea floating around my head so I hope you enjoy it :


I don't own Harry Potter or Family guy but I got the random thought that what would Voldermort be like if he was like Stewie? This is basically a spoof:

We have a special interview with Lord Voldemort coming to you live from Riddle Mansion today October 30th 1981:

Interviewee: Lord Voldermort can you tell us about why you freaked out in Diagon alley last year?

_(Flashback A year and a bit ago)_

_James Potter exited the Quidditch supply store accidentally bumping into someone, the person said "Oh terribly sorry I've been absent minded all da- By god! Is that you James? I haven't seen you in ages!"_

_James straightened up grinning "Tom you old devil where have you been hiding? It feels like months since I seen you mate." _

_Voldermort laughed slightly "Oh I know time just flies by when you don't pay attention. So what have you been doing?" _

_James held up his hand "Got married to the brightest witch in the world not to mention most gorgeous and am expecting our son to be born soon. How about you? Weren't you working on some leadership plan of some sort?" _

_Voldermort patted his shoulder "First off congratulations on the misses and soon to mini Potter and second yes forecast for tomorrow: A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!" _

_They laughed James continued "Well I accompanied Lily to the alley today to shop for some baby things and couldn't have her wandering around alone in her condition." _

_Voldermort raised an eyebrow "Oh my, how ruthless of you." _

_James shrugged slightly "Yeah well forgive me for being the concerned father." _

_Voldermort looked around "So where is the lucky girl?" _

_Lily waddled up to James (Bear in mind severely pregnant lady.) "You ready to go home yet James?" _

_Voldermort stared at her in shock; James placed an arm around her hip "Isn't she a keeper?" _

_He continued staring her, then her swollen abdomen, then snapped "I said purebloods only! Make it again!" _

_(End flashback)_

Voldermort: "Ah, the blood purity thing. Yes, it wasn't about the purity really, frankly I like the muggleborns, I..I don't..I have no problem, it's, there's always been a lot of tension between Lily and me and it's not so much that I want to kill her. It's just that I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself, by Merlin wouldn't it be marvellous if I turned out to be a homosexual."

Interviewee: Right. So what about Dumbledore? Why is it your set on fighting against him?

Voldermort: Ah well you see…

_(Flashback to Voldermorts school years)_

"_That was close. Luckily the overgrown hairy one was here to take the fall or my Basilisk would have been repossessed when I've only got five payments left."_

_Dumbledore approached him "Tom you know you can only bring an Owl, Cat or Toad to school. I must ask you to send your pet away." _

_Voldermort spun around "Salazar hasn't done anything wrong….yet." _

_Dumbledore's normally twinkly eyes had gone dim "Tom a student died." Moaning Myrtle floated through a wall "You killed me! You'll have to live the rest of your life with the guilt oooowwww." _

_Voldermort stared at her confused "Who are you again? I wanna say Meg but I don't really know for sure." _

_Myrtle wailed and leapt into a toilet. Dumbledore pressed again "I must ask you to send your pet home or I will have no choice but to take it off you." _

_Voldermort stomped his foot "Oh come on! No one will even notice she's gone!" _

_Myrtle whimpered and floated back up "Nobody will ever love me!" _

_Voldermort examined her "Lose the pigtails and… no who are we kidding? Even if she was part veela I wouldn't tap that." _

_She screeched and sunk again. "As I was saying she's perfectly happy now! She's in a better place." _

_Dumbledore raised an eyebrow "Haunting girls' toilets?" _

_Voldermort shrugged "Well yes woman do seem to congregate in these things." _

_Dumbledore shook his head "Tom that's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes stage. Anyway I'm not asking anymore. Salazar goes tonight or I'm taking care of it." _

_The old man sauntered away; Voldermort narrowed his eyes "Think your clever do you old man? Well we shall see about that __'Salazar remain in the chamber until the heir of Slytherin returns'__" _

_The snake obediently returned to the chamber of secrets, then Voldermort closed the chamber and placed password on the sink "Ha! Victory is mine!"_

(End flashback)

Voldermort: "Then of course there's everything he's done to stop me since. Thwarting my Death Eaters, starting the Order of the phoenix, and of course the big one keeping a prophecy from me I only managed to get a line or two from the old codger."

_(Flashback 11 months ago)_

_Voldermort cursed as Dumbledore arrived in the battled in the Department of Mysteries stunning Death Eaters, he threw a cutting hex at him which the Order leader avoided "Damn you vile old man, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile school!" _

_Dumbledore remained calm "Tom give up you won't get the prophecy here." _

_Voldermort paused "Prophecy?" _

_Dumbledore raised his hand "This isn't the prophecy your looking for about The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches ... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies ..." _

_Voldermort perked up "What's this now?" _

_Before Dumbledore could speak again Lupin and Black slammed their hands over his bearded mouth "SHUSH!" _

_Voldermort said "No no let him continue, you were saying something about the seventh month dies? Is someone pregnant? If so whom? Do you mean this year or next? Or is the child already alive?" _

_Lupin looked around the pointed over Voldermort's head "Uh… HEY LOOK A WEREWOLF!" _

_Voldermort spun around "Where?" _

_Then realising two things one, it wasn't a full moon and two that Lupin himself was a werewolf, he looked back to find they'd already aparated away. _

"_BLAST!" _

_(End Flashback)_

Voldermort: "I asked Snape if he knew about anything but he's been very sulky lately. I think because Lily got knocked up to Potter. Anyhow it's dreadfully sad but I have to kill their offspring. It's nothing personal mind you just have to kill him before he kills me. Haha it would be SO embarrassing it turned out to be the Longbottom's son instead, but no I'm pretty sure it's him. Right whilst this interviews been grand I have to rest for tomorrow lots to do and all that."

**October 31****st**** 1981 Godrics hollow**

"Lily he's here! Take Harry and run!"

James pointed his wand at the door ready to fight for his life when it blasted open, Voldermort stepped in "Potter step aside and you shall not be harmed."

James growled "Never!"

Voldermort shrugged "OK." then looked like he going to leave then quickly shot "Avada Kedarva!" At James who didn't have time to dodge and fell down lifeless.

Then he went upstairs blasting open the nursery's room finding Lily standing protectively in front of Harry "Spare my son! Don't hurt him."

Voldermort said "Move aside girl and you won't be harmed."

Lily shrieked "No not Harry! Take me instead!"

Voldermort sighed "Fine I'll leave you both alone."

Her eyes shone "Really?"

He smirked "Nah Avada Kedarva!"

Lily too fell lifeless in front of Harry's crib.

"Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did! Ooooh, worth it, totally worth it."

He then looked at innocent wide eyed Harry "Sorry kid it's nothing personal. Avada Kedarva!"

The beam headed straight for Harry then rebounded off him straight at Voldermort he only had enough time to say "WHAT THE DEUCE?"

Before the light engulfed him killing his body leaving him as a bodiless spirit as he floated there for a moment looking down at the baby that was now unconscious with a lighting shape scar on his forehead he said "Well this is was unexpected. Good thing I illegally made those Hocrux's or I'd probably be dead permanently. Still curse you Harry Potter I shall rise again and when I do you'll be sorry!"

The baby remained asleep.

Voldermort huffed "You could at least have the curtsey to listen to me. What do I have to do for a decent audience around here? Rob Gringots?"

He then left Godrics Hollow muttering to himself and the rest they say is History.


End file.
